The Charisma Trap
In the world of startups and leadership, we're surrounded by stories of iconic product leaders with big personalities. We see a leader who is bold and bombastic, or one who is quiet and intensely analytical, and we think we need to adopt their persona to be successful. We fall into the charisma trap, believing that effective leadership is a performance.
But this approach almost always fails. You may have experienced this yourself: a CEO makes a sharp, witty comment in a meeting, and the room loves it. You know that if you tried to deliver the same line, it would fall flat. This isn't a failure on your part. It's a sign of a fundamental truth: the most effective communication doesn't come from copying someone else's style. It comes from aligning your message with your own natural personality.
This idea is about more than just "being authentic." It’s a strategic approach to communication. The goal isn't to completely change who you are. The goal is to understand your own baseline (your natural tendencies, strengths, and quirks) and then learn how to use those traits to make your message land with maximum impact.
Start with Yourself
Before you can think about your audience, you have to understand your own instrument. The first step is to conduct an honest internal audit to figure out your natural communication style.
Know Your Baseline
Your baseline is how you show up when you're not trying to be someone else. To find it, ask yourself some simple questions:
- In a meeting, are you more comfortable leading with a story or with hard data?
- Do you naturally command attention with high energy and enthusiasm, or with deliberate pauses and a reserved demeanor?
- What parts of your job give you energy, and what parts feel like a chore you have to force yourself through?
Pay attention to these feelings. The tasks you look forward to and the ones you dread are clues that reveal your natural strengths. The point of this exercise isn't to judge yourself; it's to gather data. You need to know your starting point before you can make intentional adjustments.
Use the Levers You Already Have
Once you know your baseline, you can work with it instead of against it. If you are a naturally quiet or inexpressive person, trying to force yourself to be animated and bubbly will only come across as fake. A better strategy is to find other "levers" to pull to make sure your intent is clear.
For example, a leader who is naturally understated can't rely on their tone of voice or facial expressions to convey excitement. Instead, they can amplify their choice of words. Using language that signals conviction allows them to communicate their enthusiasm clearly without faking a personality that isn't theirs. Phrases like "I am incredibly excited about this" or "This plan has me fired up" make their meaning unmistakable within their natural style.
The 30-Second Reset
The single biggest cause of unclear communication is a lack of preparation. We often jump from meeting to meeting without a moment to think, and as a result, our message comes out jumbled and confusing.
You don't need an hour to prepare for every conversation. Often, all you need is a 30-second reset. Before you speak, send a message, or join a call, take a moment to answer a few questions. The most important one is: "What is my ideal outcome?"
Once you know your goal, you can work backward to figure out the best way to communicate. Ask yourself: Who am I talking to? What do they value? What is my main point? What is my secondary point? This simple habit allows you to enter a conversation with clarity and purpose, ensuring you say what you actually mean to say.
Connect with Your Audience
Understanding yourself is only half the battle. The other half is learning how to adapt your message so it resonates with the people you're talking to. This requires getting out of your own head and into the world.
Learn to Read the Room
Some people seem to have a natural gift for sensing the mood of a room, but this is a skill, not a magical talent. You can build this "muscle" by practicing active observation. In your next meeting, pay attention to the implicit feedback people are giving you. Are they leaning in, or are their arms crossed? Do they look engaged, or are their eyes glazed over?
This is like A/B testing your communication. In low-stakes settings, try making small tweaks to your delivery, your tone, your framing, or the order of your ideas, and watch how the reactions change. Most people over-index on what's said out loud, but the real information is often in the body language and expressions people show long before they speak up.
Unpack Vague Feedback
Leaders often receive vague feedback about their communication style, like "You need to be more strategic" or "You need more executive presence." This kind of feedback is useless because it's not actionable. It's your job to unpack it until you get to something concrete.
Don't accept vague feedback at face value. Ask follow-up questions to force specificity. You can ask:
- "Can you give me an example of a time when I did something that felt strategic?"
- "What about that situation made it strategic?"
- "Who on our team do you think does this well? What do they do that I could learn from?"
By asking for specific examples, you can start to see a pattern. Maybe the people considered "strategic" always start by stating the goal upfront, or they are very good at ranking priorities. This process turns a vague criticism into a clear roadmap for what you need to change.
Find and Own Your Edge
Every leader has "spiky" points of view: strong, unique opinions about how things should be. These are not flaws to be sanded down; they are assets to be owned. Your unique perspective, backed by your experience and logic, is what builds credibility and attracts people who believe in your vision.
The best and most resonant ideas often come from a strong personal reaction. If you read something and find yourself thinking "this is fascinating" or "this is completely wrong," that's a clue. That's where you have conviction. That's where your best material lives. It’s not about being controversial for the sake of it. It’s about having a unique stance and sharing it with the intention of teaching people a new way to think.
Conclusion
The goal of improving your communication is not to erase your personality and become a generic, polished leader. It's to become a more effective and impactful version of the person you already are. The most compelling leaders aren't performing a role they think they should play. They are the ones who have done the work to understand their own unique voice and have learned how to make it heard.